Sex and video games, for whatever reason, have never really gone together very well, have they?. Even a title like The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt - considered by many to be a near-perfect masterpiece - has some borderline embarrassing moments of virtual nakedness, saved only by strong dialogue and organic, believable relationships.
But I don't need to tell you that not every game is as good as The Witcher 3. Far from it, my friends. Some games, through a combination of bad writing, hilarious music choices, and a shockingly desperate need to appear "mature", have produced sex scenes so thoroughly unerotic that just thinking about them makes me wince in pain.
Take a look at a few of the worst offenders now, won't you? If nothing else, you can show your partner that it could always be worse. Oh! And some spoilers follow, btw. Which is what your dad said to your mum on their anniversary, etc etc...
Heavy Rain (Quantic Dream, 2010)
Quantic Dream
Quantic Dream games can feel a little clunky and heavy-handed at the best of times. But when the studio attempts to simulate something as intimate as passionate sex between two people? Hoo boy, things get real weird, real fast.
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The sex in Heavy Rain literally comes out of nowhere, no pun intended*. People can feel compelled to bonk at weird times, sure, but after our lead character has just killed a guy and lost his son to a murderer? In terms of mood killers that would normally be up there with eating too much garlic bread at dinner.
Not in Heavy Rain. Here, the sex happens because the game thinks that's what needs to happen. It absolutely did not need to happen. Oh, and turning sex into a weird quick-time event sequence that relies on well-timed button presses? About as erotic as a fart in a lift.
*Nah, I knew what I was doing there.
Far Cry 3 (Ubisoft Montreal, 2012)
Ubisoft
This is one of the endings to Far Cry 3, and definitely not a good one. Utilising the game's first-person perspective in a completely unexpected way, the hero of our story is... well, ridden by the game's final antagonist Citra, in some kind of ritualistic intercourse. I once pitched a similar ending to Nintendo for Super Mario Galaxy and was chased from the room.
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After a fairly uncomfortable amount of time, your character... finishes. Citra makes some references to you having passed on your seed. And then she rams a dagger through your heart, leaving you to bleed out. Take that, daddy.
It's certainly a surprising, violent, shocking scene... but a sexy one? Good grief, no.
Fahrenheit (Quantic Dream, 2005)
Quantic Dream
Say hello once more to Quantic Dream, who are lucky enough to be back on our list with a sex scene so bad it makes the one in Heavy Rain look like a masterclass in erotic storytelling.
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Everything about this scene is just so... off. Why does our hero pick up an electric guitar, turn on the amp, and then start playing a song that's clearly been recorded on an acoustic guitar? Why does his friend Tiffany find a man in a knitted jumper attractive? Granted, she's had some wine, but come on. Have some dignity.
After the musical seduction, which looks for all the world like a cheap mobile Guitar Hero ripoff, it's down to business. The acoustic guitar gives way to a rock-tastic ballad that sounds like it's been written by a budget Nickelback, and we're treated to the occasional moan, some blurry gyrating polygons, and MORE quick-time fun. Steamy.
I'm told some people actually like Nickelback... so I just wanted to make clear that when I said budget Nickelback, I meant that as the worst possible insult I could muster.
Amazingly, this isn't the only terrible, distressingly interactive sex scene in this game - another follows later, in sub-zero temperatures, bringing a whole new dimension to its awkward stiffness. In a filthy subway train it is, too. Quantic Dream, have you no class?
God of War (SIE Santa Monica Studio, 2005)
Sony
These days Kratos might be a responsible single parent struggling to raise his offspring in a world where he clearly doesn't belong; but before he was dad of boi, he was a murderous monster on a brutal quest for revenge. Not that his deeply personal vendetta ever stopped him from pausing to enjoy the occasional sex minigame, mind.
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In most God of War games, Kratos will come acro- I mean MEET various topless women. He can approach these nameless ladies and engage in a meaningless sex minigame as the camera coyly pans to focus on something other than what I assume would be the sight of Kratos' bare ghost white arse. If you do the virtual rumpy pumpy well enough, you "win" some red orbs, and the virtual women commend your virtual sexual prowess.
It's all incredibly embarrassing, really, and screams of a game that was trying too hard to be "Mature". 2018's God of War did well to leave this particular feature behind.
Ride To Hell: Retribution (Deep Silver, 2013)
Deep Silver
Where on Earth does one begin with Ride To Hell: Retribution? The sex in this critically panned biker adventure game is so hilariously awful, so completely out of touch, and so embarrassingly un-sexy. It's like watching porn that's been approved by the Church of England.
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What immediately stands out, besides the bad '70s porno music and absolutely ridiculous proportions of the female characters, is the way the characters keep their clothes on while they're doing it.
I have no idea why the developer made this choice. The game was still rated M, so what was the point? Characters gyrate and thrust and grunt in a way that suggests they're clearly having full penetrative sex, but it just looks like two badly animated characters dry humping. Which is an awful lot like your... ah, yeah, same joke.
Topics: Far Cry, PlayStation, God Of War