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Let's be honest, we all know the original 151 Pokémon from the first generation of games are the best, so let's stop screwing around and get down to it: I'm ranking the lot from worst to best. May God have mercy on my soul.
Oh, and please remember this is just an opinion on a series of video games aimed primarily at children, so remain calm and remember that if you're mad at me for my rankings and want to have a go at me? The fact I spent an entire afternoon actually writing this crap should serve as punishment enough.
Let's not beat around the bush: Mr Mime is a properly creepy looking Pokémon, and nobody should want him in their party or near their kids.
The only reason Magikarp isn't dead last is because it at least evolves into Gyarados at level 20 - but it's a lot of flaccid splashing till then.
Hardly shocking, is it? This guy is the Nicholas Cage of Pokémon, in that it's absolutely goddamn everywhere. Thanks for ruining Mt Moon, asshole.
"Hey we need another Pokémon, man"
"God, I dunno... How about a Pokeball with eyes?"
"Good enough - LUNCH."
Nobody wants a rat on their team. I don't mean that in a 1950's gangster style way, either. I'm not trying to say people hate snitches, I'm just saying rats are kind of gross.
There's no room in my life for Gloom, Plus, it's meant to stink - who wants that?
When you design a Pokémon that looks like a smiling infection, you've gone very, very wrong.
"So yeah, we can do a slightly smaller Pokeball with eyes too. I dunno, I just wanna go home at this point."
Grimer is a literal pile of crap and if you like him I'm afraid that speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.
Raticate is a slightly cooler looking rat than Rattata... but it's still a rat.
Right, how does a pile of eggs evolve into a palm tree? If someone can please tell me, then I can sleep at night again.
Pretty much one of the most forgettable Pokémon around. Do you really want a pet fish in a world of dragons and cute electric mouses? I don't.
See what I said about Goldeen, but replace fish with crab.
Liking Venonat is like liking Nickelback - very few people do, and the ones who do will rarely admit to it in public.
There is no point to this phallic weed of a Pokémon- but you just know lonely trainers abuse the poor things on cold, long nights.
Tentacool is a jellyfish. Nobody actually likes jellyfish. Tentacool needs to get back in the sea.
A Pokémon that is constantly pulling the :p face has no place in my world.
Did you guys know that pink bit isn't Poliwag's nose? It's a mouth. Blew my mind, anyway.
Kabuto evolves in Kabutops, so that's pretty cool, especially given that it's got nothing going for it as it is.
Now that your rose is in bloom,
A light hits the gloom on the grey.
If you have a choice between Pidgey and Spearow, and you choose Spearow, then there is something deeply wrong with you.
Nobody really likes bug Pokémon, do they? Beedrill is pretty cool, but Weedle ain't no Beedrill.
Omanyte is kind of cute - and presumably delicious with a little garlic butter. Can't wait till he evolves into Dr Zoidberg.
Tangela reeks a design team who just kind of gave up at this point. Love his red boots, though.
Pray for Doduo.
Mankey is a monkey which is cool, but he doesn't seem like a very approachable monkey - this is a problem for me.
You knew this guy wasn't gonna rank very high. It's not his fault - he just dreams dreams of being a Beedrill.
The only reason I've put Metapod above Kakuna is because it has a slightly cooler name. They both look and sound a bit like sex toys, though - albeit very high-risk ones.
Seaking isn't that exciting, as far as Pokémon go, but it does look like one of those cool fish that you spend at least five minutes looking at in an aquarium, which is something.
Pokémon meets the karate kid. SWEEP THE LEG.
Something something oral sex joke.
I wouldn't go near a Weepinbell by choice to be honest. Gives me the creeps.
An excellent word to describe how you're probably starting to feel as we approach the halfway mark of this feature.
Caterpie is kind of cute to be honest, isn't it?
Pray for Dodrio.
Stick a hot dog in the ground, and you've got a Diglett.
Explain to me why people in this universe pay upwards of $10,000 for a bike when they could just ride one of these everywhere? If you're willing to make them fight you can sure as hell ride them from town to town.
Sandshrew is cute, chubby, and looks like it's made of bricks, I'm a fan.
There's nothing that impressive about Magnemite really, is there? I can relate.
There's too many goddamn Ekans on this goddamn enalp.
Their mouths totally look like buttholes though, right?
Seriously, do the eggs become coconuts? Were they always coconuts? WHY IS IT A PALM TREE?
Slowpoke is that friend we all have who smokes too much weed and believes everything he sees on YouTube.
Your first Pokémon might be Squirtle, Bulbasaur, or Charmander, but Pidgey is almost always the second Pokemon of choice. GG.
At the end of one of the most freakish chains of evolution waits Victreebel, a Pokémon that isn't entirely crap, and nowhere near as freakish as its predecessors.
They're basically the same Pokémon, and given that I'm not trying to start some kind of hideous gender war, you can place them at 104 or 105 as you wish.
For fans of large piles of crap: A slightly larger pile of crap.
Electabuzz always used to remind of sugar puff cereal. I'm aware that's probably just me that sees it, but I needed to get it off my chest.
Abra might be a useless little turd that teleports away from danger like a damn coward, but it does evolve into some of the best Pokémonever.
I know nobody uses Farfetch'd in battle so it should be further down the list, but any Pokémon that carries around a vegetable with such pride has to make the top 100.
A Pokémon based on a kangaroo that seems to be named after Genghis Khan for some reason? I'm sold.
Pinsir is one cool looking monster. That's all I have to say on the subject.
Primeape looks like he'd knock seven shades of crap out of you if you knocked over his pint in the pub, but I guess some people want that from a Pokémon.
Again, the differences are minimal. I like 'em both.
I'm just now realising Magmar looks a bit like the late Keith Flint in Prodigy's video for 'Firestarter' - was that intentional?
I don't know where Poliwag's nose goes when it evolves into Poliwhirl, but I think we can all agree this is a pretty cool Pokémon.
Venomoth is basically Butterfree for goths, which is kind of cool.
When Seel grows up and becomes less of a dopey looking stoner, it becomes Dewgong.
If Krabby went and told on you to his big brother, it's Kingler that would come round to your house and snip your hands off.
Weezing isn't much better than Koffing, but I've always loved how the two heads look so sick of each other's shit all the time.
Hypno looks like a struggling magician who went insane and painted himself yellow to try and spruce up his act.
Parasect is literally a mushroom that has taken control of Paras, hence the dead eyes. The Last of Us legit copied PokémonRed & Blue.
Kabutops has scythes for hands. It may never be able to hold its children, but it's a damn killing machine
Fearow's name is much cooler than the actual Pokémon itself, but it's still pretty cool.
Gotta be Tentacruel to be Tentakind. AM I RIGHT?
They could have made some crap generic starfish Pokémon, but instead they decided to make some cool robot/fish looking hybrid. I approve.
Don't think about the episode of the cartoon where Butterfree leaves. Just don't. It'll only ruin your day like it did mine.
Some may bemoan the fact that Magneton is just three Magnemite stuck together. I applaud the audacity of such a move.
Giant rock snake. GIANT ROCK SNAKE.
Giant purple snake. GIANT PURPLE SNAKE.
Beedrill looks like a massive wasp monster, but is called Beedrill. Best not to think about and just enjoy the sweet design.
Chansey does not get paid enough considering all the work it does in healthcare. Clearly inspired by the nurses of the world.
The Rhino is already an inherently cool animal, and Game Freak clearly acknowledged, since Rhyhorn is basically just a rhino with some bells and whistles.
Golbat is almost like a nice reward for anyone who decides to put up with a Zubat's crap for a few levels.
Wigglytuff gives it the biggun, even putting "tough" in its name, but it's still just a lil cutie.
Graveler rocks. I'll see myself out now.
Gloom might be a stinky freak that nobody wants to hang out with, but this groovy flower child is where it's really at. You dig?
Kadabra is the second step in one of the coolest evolution lines in Pokémon. It's also the most likely to mess you up with a spoon.
What I love about Dugtrio is that its basically three Digletts that decided to hang together. Bros for life.
Paras is creepy yes, but at least it has free will, which is more than can be said for Parasect.
Cute lil seahorse dude just doing its thing. Don't fight me on this one, or I will cut you.
One the biggest mysteries of my childhood was what the thing inside Closyter's shell looked like. Drove me round the bend Then I realised it is just a black ball with eyes. Gutted.
I dunno what Slowpoke was doing with Shelder when it made itself Slowbro, but I have my suspicions.
The hackerman of the Pokémon world.
A floating rock with arms defies all logic, even by Pokémon standards. I love it.
Wartortle has a lot going for it, but it does ultimately look like a Squirtle that let itself go.
A majestic beast on all counts.
When you're hardcore enough to use bones as deadly boomerangs, then you can step to Marowak.
Are Hitmonchan's gloves part of his body? Is there a store where all the Hitmonchan go to get the gloves custom made? I just don't know.
Moltres may think it's hot stuff, but it's actually the weakest of the legendary birds, in my humble opinion. Plus, it just kind of looks like someone set fire to a swan, which is treason in my country.
Some people probably wanna see Venusaur higher on the list. I don't care. It's a good dude, but not the best of the final starter forms.
Is Hitmonlee really better than Hitmonchan? Yes. And that's all I have to say on the subject.
Nidoking and Nidoqueen are fucking awesome. Again, no real difference between the two apart from the fact that one has boobs.
Having your Pidgey evolve into Pidgeotto for the first time is a memory I think every gamer remembers fondly.
Clefable might look it's just woken up from a proper weed-induced nap (just look at those eyes), but it's rare and not to be messed with.
Why is Oddish so high up on the list? Because it's a walking ball of joy and nothing can ever bring the grassy geezer down, that's why.
I do enjoy Vaporeon, but I always thought there was something kind of fishy about it. Arf.
One day, this humble water sausage will become a mighty dragon. I think that's kind of beautiful.
How is a Pokémon with a name like Poliwrath gonna do anything other than give you a bad time?
Big old kitty cat with a massive jewel in its head. Really, what isn't to like about Persian?
Awesome name, awesome design - awesome Pokémon .
If Edgar Allen Poe could have chose any Pokémon in the world to use, I think he'd be drawn to Ghastly. Tell me that's not awesome.
Nidoking lies in bed at night wishing it could be as ripped and buff as Rhydon. Fact.
A lot of water Pokémon are pretty lame (see Seel, Krabby, et al). Seadra does not abide by this rule.
Charmeleon would be higher on this list, but it's basically just a stop-gap between two awesome Pokémon . Plus it was kind of a dick in the animated series.
Machoke - the wet dream of wresting fans and Pokemaniacs everywhere. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or not, but I dig the belt.
Starmie is just nice to look at, and combines the power of water with goddamn MIND POWERS.
I would love to meet whoever pitched the idea of a "confused duck" as a Pokémon and give them a big hug.
I don't know what the hell Clefairy is but I love it.
A majestic blue bird with the power of ice and a name like some kind of delicious European cocktail. I'm all about Articuno.
If you talk crap about Golem, it will roll into your town and crush your dreams.
If the insecure male Pokémon fans out there felt a bit weird about wanting a pony, Game Freak kindly made it a pony that was born of fire and death (but probably not death).
Vulpix is cuter than any children or younger siblings you might have. Sorry.
Most people who are grinding for a Dragonite will probably end up getting quite attached to this second stage of its evolution. Rightly so.
I don't know why Machoke grew extra arms or how his family deal with such a startling change, but I like it.
A flaming unicorn seems like something that should be on the front cover of a heavy metal album, and I love Rapidash for that.
Like an orange Phil Mitchell with fire powers.
Remember that episode of the show where we found out Meowth learned to talk just so he could talk to the human he was in love with? Yeah, that's why Meowth makes the top 30.
We've all got a soft spot for Bulbasaur really, haven't we? Look at its plucky lil face - it doesn't know it's almost always destined to come third.
Absolute cutie, is Mew. Also, it can learn any move, which is pretty baller.
I'm pretty much only putting Ditto this high on the list because it spends almost all its time mating with other Pokémon , and I don't think we've ever asked as gamers whether or not Ditto is okay with that.
I honestly don't know if there's anything more metal than wearing your dead mum's skull into battle.
Pokémon meets Jurassic Park, and the result is one of the coolest looking 'mon ever.
Majestic, deadly, and in possession of nine times more tails than your average fox.
We all learned pretty quickly as kids that electric type Pokémon could smash flying Pokémon . Enter a legendary bird MADE OF ELECTRICITY.
If Psyduck can grow up and get his shit together, so can you.
Personally, I think Raichu is way better than Pikachu - but I had to take lots of different things into consideration when making this list (no, really), so I have to settle for sticking it here.
Eevee is absolutely the most adorable Pokémon around, and can branch off into all kinds of rad evolutions. Versatile and cute. That's what we like.
Jigglypuff is a marshmallow nightmare with dreams of being a star. Does it not break your heart that all it wants to do is sing for people, but its voice puts people to sleep? That's a tragedy, man.
Flareon is probably the cutest of the original "Eeeveelutions", and also one of the most useful if you decided not to go with Charmander.
Back in 1996, ghost Pokémon were allowed to look like actual ghosts. None of this haunted sandcastle nonsense that we're seeing these days.
Lapras is such a cool Pokémon , man - just a happy lil sea monster going about its business.
Go, spiky electric dog/fox thing!
Easily the coolest stage in the Bulbasaur evolution line, and guaranteed to add a splash of colour to any garden.
As far as I'm aware, Squirtle is the only Pokémon that can pull off shades. Nicely done.
Growlithe is a very good doggo. I have a lot of time for this guy.
Not getting Dragonite till level 55 makes it an incredible reward - it's also very cute and works as a postman in the cartoon, which I love.
We're all Snorlax, really.
Sycther is an instrument of death, a sick-looking bug Pokémon , and is also capable of slicing carrots nice and fine.
Blastoise is a giant turtle with two stupidly massive cannons on its back. Tell me that isn't cool and I'll come at you with everything I got.
I'm sure some of you will have a problem with Pikachu (the actual face of Pokémon ) being so high. Well, you need to grow up. There's a reason it's everywhere, and that's because people love him.
One of the most useful and powerful Pokémon you could get back in the day. Anyone else would look a knob waving two spoons around. Not Alakazam.
If I could only wish one Pokémon into reality, it would absolutely be Arcanine. It's so fluffy, and fierce, and breathes fire - my favourite of all the doggomon.
An absolute behemoth of a Pokémon that soaks up damage like a tank and dishes it back out like the fishy bitch it is. Gyarados makes us all complete.
Mewtwo was the ultimate reward for gamers everywhere. Only after taking down the Elite Four could you track down this monster and claim him as your own after an intense battle - or you could just toss a Master Ball at his face and be done with it.
I don't think many people appreciate just how awesome Gengar is. A super powerful ghost Pokémon, with the cold blooded eyes and smile of a straight up killer.
As if it was every gonna be anything else. Charizard is one slick creation - an aerial, agile, fiery beast, and the best final evolution for any starter Pokémonaround, to this day.
So there we have it. I'd make a joke about ranking gen two next, but this whole endeavour has left me utterly broken. I'm going now.
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