Sonic The Hedgehog's Inevitable Porn Parody Is Here And Oh God My Eyes

There are two things that I know to be absolutely true about the internet. The first is that any argument about any subject, if given long enough, will lead to someone being compared to Hitler. The second is that it's a wretched hive of Sonic The Hedgehog-related pornography.

You can't move for the smut. Drawings and animations of the blue blur and his supporting cast of characters doing unspeakable things to one another litter the web. Typing 'Sonic' into Google without enabling the safe search function is basically an extreme sport at this point. It's into this crowded arena that a new contender steps: Sonic The Vadgehog.

Sorry, I just needed to take a second to swallow the little bit of sick that came up when I typed that. Sonic The Vadgehog comes from WoodRocket, the same production company that's given the world such hits as The Legend of Zildo, The Goo Place, The Laygo Movie, and A** Sex Legends. That's quite a CV.

Porn parodies based on video games are obviously nothing new, but Sonic The Vadgehog stands out for being - as far as I can tell - an adaptation of a very recently released movie. Except instead of Jim Carrey and a cute animated hedgehog running around causing chaos, we have April O'Neil and Lexi Luna sharing brief lines of dialogue before they presumably... get down to whatever it is people do in porn movies. I wouldn't know. I've never seen one.

On the subject of dialogue in this movie, it really has to be heard to be believed. "I want you to go Knuckles deep in me" was a particular highlight, if you can call it that. The movie clearly has a sense of humour, but it also features a woman dressed as one of my favourite childhood characters having lots of graphic sex. Needless to say, I find myself conflicted and more than a little uncomfortable.

It doesn't help that the Sonic mask is legitimately terrifying. Seriously, just look at it. I thought that initial design for the official movie was bad enough.

If you're feeling a desire to express your love of Sonic in unconventional new ways, the full version of Sonic The Vadgehog is available now on Pornhub Premium. You'll have to muddy your browser history by searching for it yourself though. I'm not leaving a link to it. I've suffered enough this morning.