I'm a parent, so I see children - two of them, at least - every single day. And when I take my kids to school, I see even more of them. Small humans, with slightly different proportions compared to grown adults, but fairly normal looking, you know. Nothing like this.
As a reddit thread of over 2,000 comments has made terrifyingly apparent - with the post There's something wrong with the kids... - there are children in Ubisoft's new (and otherwise very good) Assassin's Creed Valhalla game who seem entirely unhuman. (Unhuman? Inhuman? Both?) And look, I can appreciate that life was very different in the 9th century. No Mr Matey bubble bath, no Roblox, no Bear Yoyos to snack on in front of HermitCraft's latest YouTube upload. But was life for kids so hard that they looked like this?
Why do some of them have soul patches? Why do some of them have no obvious chin, whatsoever? What is with those evil eyebrows? At the risk of falling into the same kind of commentary Kirk McKeand put down on The Gamer, yesterday, these 'kids' are heckin' nightmarish. Just bent, and broken, and entirely evil.
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Which is wild, given how fantastically detailed, and I guess realistic, Assassin's Creed Valhalla is. I mean, realistic once you strip away all the Assassin's Creed lore stuff, the magic raven and the rest of it. The mud and the grit and the blood and the gore - that all tallies with what I know of Danish/Viking expansion into Britain in the 9th century. Shame Ol' King Cnut went and died a couple of centuries later and sort of undid all that good work. Not his fault, I suppose. I just wanted a reason to write "Cnut" in an article.
Looking back at that picture, just up there - is the kid in the bottom-left... backwards? Why is the one in the middle trying to hypnotise me into giving them my lunch money? Is that known alt-right douchebag Ben Shapiro, top right? Jesus, Ubisoft, why? I desperately need to be able to unsee this, immediately.
Check out loads more content on Assassin's Creed Valhalla - content that isn't this - right here.
Featured Image Credit: Ubisoft, redditTopics: Assassin's Creed, Assassin's Creed Valhalla, Ubisoft