Look, Pokémon is huge. This we know. It’s not only the highest-grossing gaming franchise, but the highest-grossing media franchise in general in the entire world, currently sitting at an estimated $109 billion dollars of revenue. Despite primarily being a video game series, that isn’t where most of the money actually comes from - licensed merch accounts for a whopping $82.805 billion, eclipsing the revenue from the games ($24.452 billion).
As such, it goes without saying that there’s a lot of merch. And a lot of it, particularly the older stuff, is really weird. Not to mention the even weirder unlicensed stuff that follows in its wake. I set out on a grand quest through the fantastical region of eBay, not to be the very best, but find the very worst, and this is what I discovered.
Before we get started, be sure to check out the trailer for Pokémon Legends: Arceus below.
Cursed plushies
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I’m a sucker for plushies of every variety, and so it’d be remiss of me not to begin this whole thing with some of the greatest abominations I could find.
Uncomfortable Pikachu -
As you’d imagine, when browsing Pokémon merch, there’s one particular electric rodent who absolutely dominates the search results. As such, it was incredibly difficult to narrow down which of the many weird Pikachus I should forcibly share with the world, but this one was a particular favourite. I don’t know if it’s the wonky eye sparkles, the fact that one arm is longer than the other, or his delightful round body, but what a charming little lad he is. Ahh, who am I kidding, of course it’s that facial expression that wholly suggests he tried to sneak out a fart, and discovered the hard way that it was something far, far more. Good luck, little buddy. If you wanna give this guy a home, here’s the link.
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A duo of slightly wrong Squirtles -
Look, neither of these Squirtles are having a very good existence, and their placement next to each other on the search results just exacerbated that fact further. Neither of them have the correct limbs, with one having these weird oversized paws for both his arms and legs, and the other having the tiniest little nubby limbs ever. Not to mention the second one’s nostrils. And the tail…emerging from the front of his body? The less said about that bit the better. You can find this dynamic duo here, and here.
Stoke-on-Trent big toed Pikachu -
While this particularly chunky friend doesn’t immediately seem to have a whole lot to complain about, at least in comparison to the Frankenstein-esque Squirtles, and his Pikachu brother who just isn’t happy at all to be here, he still has a story. Please, can we just draw attention to his feet? Those toes are more defined than any Pikachu’s toes ever should be. Just to rub it in a bit, this is doubled with the branding - Europleasure. I’m so uncomfortable. I do, however, particularly love that the seller of this one specifically showed off the label, which proudly exclaims this Pikachu hails from Stoke-on-Trent. Do all Pokémon from Stoke-on-Trent have such oddly detailed feet? Actually, no, don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.
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Questionable toys
You know what we need more of in the world? Unnecessary plastic. Guess what this category is full of? Yaaaay.
“Snacks in bed on a Sunday morning” Meowth -
Where do I even begin with this one? Perhaps I should start with the fact that this is, apparently, a talking fridge magnet, which isn’t a thing I even knew existed before now. That’s bizarrely not the weirdest thing about this one, though. Those eyes have seen things, and they may be things related to his very ominously chewed tail. Not to mention that mouth, gaping so wide that his chin rests on his chest. This Meowth looks like what I see when I catch myself in the reflection of my Switch in handheld mode. And no one wants to see that. If you want this in your home for some reason, be my guest.
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Brock has seen things -
Anime figures have apparently improved a lot since 1998, if this one is anything to go by. There’s not a whole lot wrong with this one, at least until you get to his face. What happened? The soulless dots that stare on into the abyss, doubled with the creepy smile slapped on the front, are just the perfect combination of elements to haunt your dreams. Also, what is he holding? It kind of looks like a Pringle, and with no additional explanation, that’s just what I’m going to choose to believe. Sour Cream and Onion, probably. Put him out of his misery here.
Ass Ketchup and friends -
I’ll be honest, when I first saw this one, I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Just a box full of different Poké Balls - neat! But these aren’t Poké Balls, dear reader, oh no. These are Elf Balls, from the hit series Pet Elf Go. With charming characters like Ass Ketchup and his partner Picklechew, it’s fun for all the family. Seriously though, of all the Pokémon to stick on the box, why Lairon? I can kind of understand where Ivysaur came from (even though it’s still a bit odd), but Lairon? Well, at least they got creative with it. Grab your own here, if you so desire.
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Haunted games
Look, I know I said this was all about merch at the top of this, but it’s important to remember where we came from. Besides, these aren’t exactly your usual overpriced copies of Emerald and HeartGold.
Pokémon SpoOoOky Black -
You were walking down the street, and that’s when you saw it. Nestled into a rubbish bin, a mysterious Pokémon game. You decided to take it home, and found it worked perfectly, despite being discarded like that. But is that a team full of Unown, spelling out “UR DEAD”?! God, the horror! You guessed it, this mysterious cartridge is home to a creepypasta game ROM, just in case you ever wanted to live out some spooky haunted video game dreams in real life, for the low, low price of £250. If you really want to splash that cash, grab it here.
Picklémen Silver -
Ah, the ever raging debate - can video games be classed as art? It’s a fairly divisive question, although more people do seem to be leaning towards “yes”, these days. Regardless of your stance on the topic, I’m sure we can all agree that this is art. The seller says it all: “Just the cartridge, which is in debatable condition, some would say it’s in poor condition as the original sticker has been removed. Some would say otherwise, as I have since replaced the sticker with a far superior one.” The GAMINGbible team were moved to tears over this masterpiece, and as such, decided to give it a good home, which I’m sure is the wholesome ending you were hoping for after all this.
Featured Image Credit: daviwilliam_327, braddourifrules, and letsdothistogether via eBay, The Pokémon Company